Written way back in 2014; I'll get the others up at some point. The story could use a few updates, but adjusting the CSS is more important...

Captain's Log c4ca4238a0b923820dcc509a6f75849b:

It has been three full half-weeks since my ship was torn apart; who would have ever guessed that flying into a star could be a bad thing? The good news is that another ship was in need of a temporary captain (though I will not call this piece of scrap metal "good" and you certainly cannot call it "new"); Captain Organic and his wife recently adopted a daughter, so he took paternity leave to spend some time with her (and for any politicians and business-people reading this, it's about time you realize that a father may want to see his kids from time to time). He has promised to send me photos of little Leia, but has yet to do so.

It has been said that we are all heading to eternity at two speeds, but it took this harrowing experience for me to understand it. I have decided to create a memoir of sorts; it will be comprised of notes (rather appropriately called "Captain's Logs", because I am a Captain) and audio excerpts of my day and leadership decisions. It is my hope that you, dear reader or listener or osmosis-er, are intelligent enough to learn from my wisdom and experiences. It would be a shame for my sagacious acumen to be wasted.

The U.S.S. Capitalism is a fine ship, but it isn't my ship. My bed is on the wrong side of the room, so every morning I walk into a wall. Ah well. They tell me that my ship will be ready in another six to eight half-weeks.

"Captain! Captain! We have a problem!"

A man ran to the bridge. "Somebody removed the regulators from our engine!"

"Yes. That was me," replied Captain Smirk. "Our last ship didn't have regulators."

The man sighed. "The other ship doesn't need regulators. It has a Blossom 3000 engine; if there's a problem we just jump into Unicorn Mode and act like everything's fine. This ship uses a Tri-Coil Systematic Engine Thing. We need the regulators to ensure it doesn't pull itself apart."

"I don't have time for this. Who are you anyway?" said the captain.

The man sighed again. "I'm your chief engineer. Lieutenant Commander Scotch Mountain-Comer."

Captain Smirk turned and spoke to another crew member. A voice was soon heard over the ship intercom. "Engineering, take us into Unicorn Mode."

"No!" shouted Mountain-Comer. He dove to the communication station and shouted into the microphone. "Disregard that order! Ignore everything the captain tells you unless I approve." Then to the captain, "How did you make Captain without taking Basic Engines 103? Do you know what you almost did to us?"

"I took the class," said the captain, "but I saw no reason to pay attention. Even at a young age, I knew that I was destined to be a great Captain, not a lowly engineer. There was no reason for me to care."

The engineer was obviously angry, and maybe a bit shaken. "Let's get something straight. Tell us your end goal, and let those of us that actually know what we're doing decide how to do it. Putting a Tri-Coil Systematic Engine Thing into Unicorn Mode would cause the entire universe to implode, with us still inside it. Now, what happened to that regulator?"

"The engine's running. We don't need the regulator."

"It's self-regulating at the moment, but we have no guarantee that will continue. I truly do not know what you are thinking, but I would rather not be stranded in the middle of nowhere because the engine shut itself down." replied Scotch Mountain-Comer.

"I think it's in the trash can. Go ahead and put it back on, then we're heading to New Ohio. Can you do it in ten minutes? I don't want to be late." The captain sighed. "Oh, when will my ship be ready?"